I never understood circuses anyway

I find myself sitting across a table from a guy, and I realize I’m not afraid. For the first time, for as long as I can remember, I am not afraid of rejection. I am not afraid of saying something that would make him want to bolt. I am not afraid of leaving this table and never hearing from him again. For the first time in my life I am at peace with whatever the outcome may be.

I spent so much of my life trying to impress and seek approval from men. Somewhere I was taught that this is what made me worthy. What in the actual eff? I look back at my decades of self destructive behavior and I am in shock. The hoops I jumped though, the compromising my needs and beliefs, the making myself available, the anxiety and sleepless nights wondering why I was never good enough.

I have been mostly single for the last two years. I say ‘mostly’ because I have attempted permanency a handful of times. I have met a few amazing men and have tried to move towards whatever the kids are calling a ‘relationship’ these days only to find myself confused. With my newfound self acceptance I don’t actually know how I am supposed to feel in the midst of courtship. The old me would bend and morph into whatever I needed to be to ‘get the guy’. The new me is clueless.

The concept of being able to choose if the guys is right for me instead of me needing the guy to choose me is foreign. I don’t actually have to perform a circus act by reading sheet music for Beethoven’s 7th Symphony upside down while playing the piano with my toes and simplifying the square-root of a negative number simultaneously to be worthy? Hmmm.. well, now what?

‘Now what’ is being free to sit across from a guy, a cute guy at that, and have absolutely no attachment to the outcome.

Update: He did contact me again. And again, and again. And, I’m certainly alright with that.

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