The truth is, I have been running. I have been filling my days, hours and minutes with tasks; so many in fact, that I find myself overwhelmed with the simplest undertaking. Often times, taking on so much that I have moments of complete loss of memory. Frustrated, I frantically search my brain for reasons why I got up from my desk or walked into another room, picked up a pen or opened a new tab on my internet browser. These incidences have left me questioning my sanity and my health.
I came across a quote from, the amazing Brené Brown, last week and it has sat with me ever since.
‘We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we say busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.’
Its significance was felt on the surface at first. But, as I read and re-read the words, I felt light come to the surface. It was a realization that has forced me to look at how I have come to this place, where every moment of my day is overflowing with ‘what else can I do to check out’. A realization that has forced me to accept what I have, actually, been doing is avoiding feeling. Most specifically, shame.
Although, there is a certain comfort in discovering the underlying circumstances in which you have fought.. it comes with a stabbing realization that you are now required to do better. Checking out has become my default. Filling my day perfecting ‘busy’, avoiding the emotions that shame can instill. Tricking you into thinking you are not good enough, that you are flawed and deserve the pain it delivers. Shame, I’ve learned, is a beast.
From here? Do my best to stay conscious and be kind to myself when I’m not. I’m (un)learning.